We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
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The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
🥶🥶🐶🐶
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late