We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
You Might Also Like
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Just had my nails done!
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.