We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
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Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
where do you see yourself in five years?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.