@Carbosly: "We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight."
- Corporate ants.
@GrantTanaka: me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the...the drinking kind
@CornOnTheGoblin: "You promise you didn't get me bees again"
[me from a distance] just open it
@Molly_Kats: I'm in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
@SamuelHLowe: My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He's full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.
@specialsquid: "Hi, my name is Gary and I'm a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store."