“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
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Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
i think we should see other cousins
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.