“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
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me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls