@Ygrene: [being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
@imdaintyaf: [Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let's go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
@Book_Krazy: [interview]
"How would you describe your people skills?"
ME: I tend to drive others away.
"That's great! Welcome to Uber."
@SteveSuckington: I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I'm the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
@moxieblogger: If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don't have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
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