@JediGigi: I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I'm ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

@clindsaysway: Never tell a woman you're infatuated with her. All she'll hear is "fat".

@elanazak: Best correction of the day, if not ever:

@AmishPornStar1: I don't know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

@stevevsninjas: shot through the heart and you're to blame tetanus shots should go in the shoulder this is grounds for a malpractice suit