@goldengateblond: "We had unprotected sex. Give us a present." -- the subtext of every baby shower
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@better_off_dad: *phone rings Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’ Me: ‘Can you do it?’
@BrianHDot: Chinese Food: $16.72 Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94 Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
@daemonic3: I'm a: ⚪man ⚪woman 🔘cowboy On a: ⚪skateboard ⚪carpet 🔘steel horse I: ⚪shred ⚪fly 🔘ride I'm wanted (wanted): 🔘dead 🔘alive
@TheRealMelskee: Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween, I'm guessing it's because they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.