“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
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60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
*seductively corrects your posture*
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were