@Ygrene: [being murdered] Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher Murderer: …yes Me: and you didnt empty it Murderer: [murder roles reverse]

@imdaintyaf: [Dog yoga class] Teacher: Alright, let's go into downward human pose [Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

@Book_Krazy: [interview] "How would you describe your people skills?" ME: I tend to drive others away. "That's great! Welcome to Uber."

@SteveSuckington: I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I'm the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

@moxieblogger: If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don't have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet Right next to the beer fridge