“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
You Might Also Like
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
yall want some gasoline milk
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
All. The. Damn. Time.