We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around