We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
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Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Anyone want a chair?
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]