“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
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“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.