[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
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[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*