We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
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Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.