We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
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im 7 sauces long
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma