@alisonforns: "We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies." - Top Secret NSA Memo
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@ElKnuckelhombre: My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".
@WeissBrandon: Friend: If Nicki Minaj, Ke$ha, Nickelback, and Creed all died in a plane crash who would you miss the most? Me.. F... M.. F.. Me: the pilot
@kimtopher22: My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning. He's 21 and home for the summer. It doesn't get better.
@Cherbearxo: Apparently it's okay for the office to have "casual Friday's," but "nudist Tuesday's" are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.