“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
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I only look at Wordle for the articles
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Cats are still liquid.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
back to work
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
You got this…
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
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