“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
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I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
channeling her this year
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.