We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
You Might Also Like
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline