We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
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Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
#parenting
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’