I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”