Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
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This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
🤣✨#caturday
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation