@AdamWeinstein: "WE HERE AT BIG PHARMA RECOGNIZE THAT WHEN YOU'RE DEPENDENT ON ADDICTIVE OPIOID PAINKILLERS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOU CAN'T POOP"
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@waydybee: if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a ...? no?
@batkaren: I lovingly caress my belly. "You're expecting?" a woman asks. I smile serenely. "Just ate an amazing burrito," I tell her.
@simoncholland: My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we're handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.