@AdamWeinstein: "WE HERE AT BIG PHARMA RECOGNIZE THAT WHEN YOU'RE DEPENDENT ON ADDICTIVE OPIOID PAINKILLERS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOU CAN'T POOP"
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@FuckabillyRex: I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.
@vineyille: After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
@mommywhitfield: "Honey, don't try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree," is a thing I literally just said.
@ItsAndyRyan: Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times Schrödinger: Nice, nice