Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
You Might Also Like
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket