The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
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My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
new record!
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.