We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
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wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth