We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
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Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
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Me: Same.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins