It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
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Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I only eat vegetarians.
Put this video in the Louvre
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile