We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
You Might Also Like
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”