Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
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Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
🤣🤣
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.