“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
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Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Great game to play with friends
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
“our sushi is very fresh”
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.