“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
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*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
where the womens at?
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
everyone’s a critic
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.