@HuffPostComedy: We like the way Dwight thinks
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@girl_a_whirl: A spider crawled on my son's hand today. I did what any father would do. I mean, Luke Skywalker seems like a productive member of society.
@Oh_God_Why_Me: Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I'm definitely going to get the license this time.
@jnrbtsn: I don't discriminate among size guys. Personally my favorite is 3 inches and goes by the name visa, mc, or amex.
@SteveSuckington: "Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid." Timmy: stupid? "Exactly"