I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
You Might Also Like
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
saving face 👀
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.