Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
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If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
respect
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Trumpy Cat
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.