we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?