We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
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I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.