we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
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On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.