@ElgatoEsmio: We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we're in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
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@AtticusFinch79: *takes off pants* *crawls into bed* Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy's *crawls out of bed* *puts on pants* SG- Those aren't your pants
@LittleMissZesty: Me: I'm not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls* Co-worker:
@platinum2000: "How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?" *I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
@DomBorrett: Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: 'Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?' Samuel L Jackson: 'Sure'