“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
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“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*