We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
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Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.