I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
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The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.