[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
You Might Also Like
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
In case you needed to hear it:
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
They grow up so quick
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.