We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
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We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.