“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
You Might Also Like
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel