We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
BaD BoY!!
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
british sex workers really pound for pound
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
🤣🤣🤣
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
[eulogy]
line?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?