“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
You Might Also Like
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now