“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
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After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.