Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
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Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken