We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
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If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie