“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
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It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I need to get some bricks…
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that