“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
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Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Every work meeting this week
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.