Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
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I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever