@liv_thatsme: *writes kid's name in sharpie on arm every morning instead of getting tattoo just in case they end up being a disappointment*

@ericsshadow: My wife googled "when is it safe to leave a child at home alone" and now she won't let me stay home alone.

@badbanana: Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

@murrman5: [trying to avoid awkward silence on first date] you ever see a horse throw up? "no" *smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

@maddyalou: Feeling sick at work. Subway to the bus-$5 Bus to commuter lot-$2 Puking in my car-$0 Guy in the car next to me puking in response-priceless