@bridger_w: Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

@: [After winning an award] Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank? Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

@mostlydelirious: Did you fall from heaven? Because you look like Satan.

@haleysfalling: accidentally added a "z" to the end of the word "think" in a text and suddenly my jeans are sagging below my ass and i have 3 chains on

@ColoChiver: My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.