@TheToddWilliams: LASSIE: Arf! What's that girl? Timmy's in the old well? L: Arf arf He's dead? You sure? L: Arf! Okay here's a check for $5K L: ima need cash

@mooses_mom_mar: How to decorate for Halloween: 1: Buy the biggest pumpkin you can find. 2: Slam it down on your ex's head. 3: Dress said ex as a scarecrow.

@bourgeoisalien: Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people's lives to avoid buying gifts. You're welcome.

@brynnester: I'll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed "I am your Father" Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end

@Mom_Overboard: [looking in the mirror and thinking about how I'm created in God's image] wow God needs to go on a diet.