We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
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Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
incredible text to wake up to
Still laughing at this stupid meme
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.