“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
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I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Monday
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.