“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
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fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.