We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
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[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
She: I like Cats
He:
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.